The Beat of a Baby's Heart

i heard my baby's heartbeat today. what a rush of indescribable feelings that washed over me... this little person who has taken up residence inside me completely stole my heart all over again. as tears trickled down my cheeks, i happened to glance at matthew who was grinning. i think he may have teared up a little too.

Cozying in

January has set in with all it's gloominess. I am so ready for spring and green and tree buds and flowers. But in the meantime, I'm spending the cold days indoors; when I'm not teaching, I'm cooking and organizing my house. While its too early to be in the nesting stage, I'm definitely getting glimpses of it in my need to have things clean and in a proper place. If there isn't a place, out it goes to the garage for a yard sale.
I've also been exploring different nursery ideas and designs. We are certainly looking forward to decorating and readying our little guy's (or lady's!) room! No definite themes yet, but certainly some fun ideas!
So January, blow and freeze and bluster away. Just please don't linger too much longer!

12 weeks

Today I am officially three months pregnant. Baby is growing rapidly this week - he is currently about 2 inches in length and will be 3 inches by next. Oh joy!
I'm starting to regain my energy, slowly but surely. I still have moments of intense fatigue wash over me but not nearly as frequent. Still no morning sickness so I think I can safely say that I avoided that dreaded horror entirely. Thank goodness.
Biggest cravings so far this week have been veggie subs, oranges (still), and popcorn. What a meal combination... We shall see what is to come.

happy mommy, happy kitty

One of the most precious things we've noticed about the pregnancy is Sushi's eager attentiveness to me. He has always been a 'mama's boy', but since I've been pregnant he's become even more so. He follows me around the house, staying faithfully in the room where I am until I move to another room; if he's napping in our room, he'll come every so often to check on me; he meows incessantly until I rub noses with him every morning; he sleeps every night curled up next to me - if I move, he moves over until he's touching me again. If Matthew is paying attention to me, such as giving me a hug and kiss or talking to me, he sits at our feet and stares up intently watching every move.
Matthew enjoys tickling me - I think it's because he likes to hear me screech. So last night in a sudden tickle attack, I squealed at him to stop and Sushi bounded off the bed over to where we were and howled at Matthew several times, giving him a cat 'glare'. We couldn't stop laughing. I went over to the bed and Sushi followed me back, putting his paw on my lap to make sure I was ok. What a precious little guy.
We can't wait to see his reaction to our new little one. I've heard of cats being jealous; I've also heard of cats that are very protective of babies - like little watchers. I have a feeling Sushi is going to be the latter because of how much he loves us. Of course, I know to be careful with babies around cats; but I am hopeful that our little darling will be a welcome addition to our kitty's affections.

Life grows

I'm now at 11 weeks. I've started to show a little baby bump. Inside the bump, our baby is approaching two inches and is finishing the final development of all body parts. Now its time for the little guy (or lady) to begin growing... and growing fast. It is fascinating to think of how a perfect tiny human being is cradled in my womb, kicking and stretching away. I can't wait to feel those little kicks.
I have often thought of pregnancy as an unknown miracle - unknown simply because I've never experienced it; miracle because of how two beings coexist in one body for so long. I vowed for years that I would never have children... never want children... and now here I am, almost 3 months pregnant. All it takes is the love of a good man to change everything.
Matthew is going to be a wonderful daddy. He already talks to him, kissing my belly and cajoling him to come out and play. He is reading the book I got him for Christmas every day - The Little Big Book for Daddys. It is full of stories, lullabies, riddles, games, and other fun things. I love watching him be excited.

Two Blue Lines: Positive

According to the due date calculators, I am five weeks pregnant. Just last week, I was unaware of the changes that were taking place in my body - changes that make me home for a tiny new being that will constantly grow over the next 8 months. It is fascinating to discover how this little life is evolving from a tiny cluster of cells into a precious little body. I find myself in awe of what I'm capable of creating, nurturing, protecting... and the process that we will go through together. It is truly unlike no other feeling I've known.

In the few days since finding out, our little darling has grown into the size of an orange seed. Internal organs, including the heart, are developing and will begin to grow as he/she grows. By the end of the 2nd month, December 15, orange-seed size will become raspberry size. It is all quite fascinating and fills me with such tenderness and love for this baby no bigger than my fingertip. 

Matthew is, of course, ecstatic. He has been since the moment we found out. Neither of us, in fact, can stop smiling and thinking of how special our lives are right now. As we begin to prepare for parenthood, we are full of gratefulness to God for how He continues to bless us and carry us close to His heart.

I Was You Once

You...the girl with the waist-length hair, long denim skirt, and downcast eyes. Trying on old clothes in a thrift store because new clothes are too "worldly" and "immodest". I was you once.

You...beautiful girl, hiding behind your walls; walls built to keep the evil world and influences out. Baggy, ugly clothes to hide your shape. Ashamed of the looks cast your way. I was you once.

You...standing there as your mom tells you that this dress or that skirt is unacceptable because it shows your budding womanly form which must be hidden at all costs because of its danger. Blushing at the critique of your body, casting longing, furtive glances at the other girls your age in the next dressing room having the time of their lives trying on cute, stylish clothing. Wishing you could be them, just for a little while, just to know what it's like to feel normal. I was you once.

You...feeling like a freak show everywhere you go. Being ashamed of your feelings because you're supposed to be a freak show...a "pecular people". Different from "The World". More pleasing to God then the rest of them. Not foolish like those girls in the next dressing room. I was you once.

You...telling yourself that the way you dress is more godly, more pure, that you're better than other girls who dress like the world. Trying to convince yourself that you know better than they and God loves you more for dressing unattractively. Trying to stuff the pain that comes from being ashamed of your beauty and the evil it causes the poor men around you. Trying to tell yourself that this is your lot in life. Trying not to look longingly at the pretty things that you can never wear. Trying not to wonder what it would be like to feel cute for a change. Using pride as a wall to protect your hurting heart. And feeling guilty for it all. I was you once.

You...ashamed of your beauty, afraid of your shapeliness, afraid of loosing your purity and taking some man's purity because you didn't dress modestly enough to keep him from noticing you. I was you once.

You...crying to God "why didn't you make me a man?!" because you hate being a woman and having to hide and look ridiculous. Longing for the freedom to dress without wondering if a guy is going to lust after you and if it'll be your fault or not. I was you once.

Anger, fear, shame, guilt, pride, helplessness, hopelessness, insecurity, and confusion, all hidden behind a shapless, ugly jumper and a heart shut off to keep from hurting. I know. I felt it once too.

You...do you know that you're beautiful and that God made you that way? Has anyone told you that being a woman is a wonderful thing, not something to be hidden or ashamed of? Do you know that God loves you for who you are, not for what you wear? Do you know that's it's OK to be pleased with being beautiful? That's it's OK to want to be attractive and desirable? Do you know that you are not responsible for the purity of the male race? That is a burden far too heavy for any woman to bear. I long to take your hand and tell you these things. But I am just a stranger in a thrift store.

You...I look into your eyes for the brief moment they meet mine, and I see so much pain. I hurt with you, the little girl inside that wants to be beautiful, noticed, and desired. The little girl that's been told all these things are evil and your heart is wicked for wanting them. The woman that feels ugly and thinks God wants it that way. And my heart breaks all over again.

You...God hears the cries of your heart. He wants to tell you you're beautiful, that He made you that way, that He's so very fond of you. That bondage to men's rules was never His idea. That nothing you wear or don't wear can make Him love you more or love you less. That, even if you are stuck in that bondage not of your own making for a time, your heart can be free from the lies that put you there.

Beautiful you. I was you once. Sometimes I still am. Because broken hearts can be hidden by both ugly and pretty clothes. And lies once embraced can be hard to let go of. So for just one moment in time, that moment you allow your heart to show through your eyes as you gaze at me, the stranger in the thrift store, let my smile tell you that you're beautiful. And that I understand. And I pray you get a glimpse of God's grace and His love for you in the eyes of a broken-hearted stranger.


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